THE HEADLESS CYCLIST

A motorcyclist was riding behind a lorry which was carrying a load of thin steel plates. He decided to overtake the lorry, but as he moved out towards the centre of the road, one of the steel sheets became dislodged and decapitated him. However, his momentum carried him alongside the lorry, the lorry-driver glanced from his window, saw the headless motorcyclist passing, had a heart attack, ran off the road and was killed.

SECRET SAUCE!

After a night out a couple went to eat some shoarma (roasted lamb-meat in a Pita roll, preferably with lots of garlic-sauce. Shoarma restaurants are the only ones still open after, say, 2.00 a.m., so after a lot of drinking, if still hungry, it’s the only place.) Typically in these places you get served by mediterranean (Turkish or Moroccan) types hardly able to speak dutch, and in the middle of the night every guest eating there is drunk and noisy.

These youngsters ate their weekend portion of half raw meat, but only the guy didn’t take the garlic sauce.  The following morning the girl got very sick & developed sores in her mouth. After hospital analysis of her stomach contents, it was found that the garlic sauce she had eaten contained ten(!) different Quacks of semen infected with herpes, later to be traced to the owner and nine employees of the shoarma joint.

This Sperm-O-Rama was later closed on police order

WASTED & BASTED!

There was a girl and she was baby-sitting. The parents had gone out to a very big party and had left this infant at home with this sixteen-year-old girl. So she was babysitting and they phoned just to see if everything was all right. She said, “Oh, fine. Everything’s great. The turkey’s in the oven. The mother went, “Oh, okay, fine,” and she hung up. Then she looked at her husband and went, “The turkey’s in the oven? We didn’t have a turkey!” He said, “What’s the matter?” So they decided they had better go home and see what was the matter. Maybe there was something wrong with the babysitter.

They excused themselves from the party and went home. So they walked in the house and saw the baby-sitter, high on LSD, freaking out. She had put the little infant in the oven and had thought it was a turkey.

NO NEWS!

A man returning home after a few months away is met by his servant who tells him his dog died from eating burnt horseflesh after the barn burned down from a spark blown from the fire that consumed his house.

The house fire started from candles placed around the coffin of his mother-in-law who died after learning that her daughter ran off with the hired man.

“Other than that,” the servant said, “there’s no news.”

BROOM HILDA!

A teenager reportedly was experimenting in her ways of masturbation. Her mother was rarely away from the house, so she had not come across too many opportunities to masturbate, but one day her mother came home from work, worn out, and told her that she was going to draw herself a bubble bath and not to expect her for at least an hour. The teenage girl took advantage of this time slot and decided to experiment with rubbing herself with various objects, and one of them was a broom. Finding she could not “do much” with the broom in her bed, she moved into the kitchen and situated herself on top of the refrigerator. Apparently her mother surprised her by opening the bathroom door before the hour was up, and the girl, not wanting her mother to find her in this compromising position, hurriedly hopped off of the refrigerator, without removing the broom handle. The broom handle was shoved up inside of her and came out her eye.

SUCK ON THIS!

This was a friend of my cousin’s husband who works at the coroner’s office in Kings County. He actually saw his dead friend at the morgue. This is real, please be careful.

Mans Death Cause For Concern

When the fog lifted outside of Sanger on Friday morning, November 1, 2001, 18 year old Stuart Bidasoe was found slumped over dead in the drivers seat of his Silver 1997 Saturn. Beside him was a bag of Halloween candy. It appears that in the dense fog, Thursday night, he had run off the road and hit a fence post causing the airbag to deploy.

Officer Benson of The California Highway Patrol could find no apparent reason for Bidasoe’s death. A drug overdose was suspected but no drugs were found on Bidasoe’s person or in the car. It was not until he was transported to the county morgue that the mystery was solved.

Stu Bidasoe had attended a Halloween Party and was on his way home. He had a lollypop in his mouth and in the dense fog ran off the road, hit the fence post inflating the airbag, pushing the lollypop into his throat. He suffocated before help could arrive.

Bidasoe’s distraught parents are seeking legal advice.

HELL HOLE!

Geologists working somewhere in remote Siberia had drilled a hole some 14.4 kilometer deep (about 9 miles) when the drill bit suddenly began to rotate wildly.  A Mr. Azzacov (identified as the projects’s manager) was quoted as saying they decided that the center of the earth was hollow.

Supposedly, the geologists measured temperatures of over 2,000 degrees in the deep hole. They lowered super sensitive microphones to the bottom of the well, and to their astonishment they heard the sounds of thousands, perhaps millions, of suffering souls screaming.

THE GOBBLER!

Two friends one night had the unenviable pleasure of assisting a third, in a very drunken state, home from the bar.  By the time they reached his house he was in a collapsed state so, without waking his wife, they laid him down on the sofa to sleep it off.  On the way out through the kitchen one of the friends noticed a bowl of turkey giblets and, as they were rather put out by the companion’s regular drunken antics, they decided to play a practical joke on him.  They took the cooked turkey neck, opened the sleeper’s zipper and then zipped them up again with the turkey neck hanging out.

In the morning the wife of the drunken sleeper came downstairs to see where her husband had collapsed to sleep off the previous night’s excesses. Imagine her dismay when she was greeted with the sight of the cat, sitting on her husband’s chest chewing merrily on what she imagined to be his penis. At this point the practical joke began to backfire. In her shocked state, the wife fainted which made her fall down the stairs, break her neck and become paralyzed.

[Smith, 1983]

MESSAGE UNDER THE STAMP!

During World War II Beth Lynn’s Oldest son, Robert, joined the navy.  Even before the outbreak of the war the boy had dreamed of being a sailor.  He was a very dutiful son, and he wrote his mother regularly, at least once a week, sometimes more often.

After his ship went into combat in the war in the Pacific, Robert still wrote regularly. Sometimes he had to be very careful about what he said so as not to betray any military secrets that might then fall into the hands of the enemy. Letters often arrived with lines cut out of them by navy censors. These letters could be delayed for days, even weeks, owing to the uncertainties of mail delivery from a combat zone. But eventually they would show up in a bunch, much to the relief of Mrs. Lynn.

So she was not too concerned when a couple of weeks went by without receiving the customary letters from her son. But when the weeks stretched into months, Mrs. Lynn became deeply concerned.

Finally she contacted the Department of the Navy. After a long runaround and a great deal of red tape, Mrs. Lynn learned that her son’s ship had been sunk off one of the Pacific islands — which one she couldn’t be told “for security reasons.” The navy was not sure whether her son had been killed or had been captured by the Japanese. It was known that many Japanese ships had been in the vicinity when the ship went down, and it was assumed that at least some of the crewmen had been captured.

Mrs. Lynn was devastated. But she took some small comfort in the possibility that Robert had not been killed but had been captured and taken to Japan and would be returned after the war.

She clung to this fragile hope for many months. And then one day her prayers seem to have been answered. She received a telephone call from the navy. A letter from Robert had arrived from Japan. Naturally the government had intercepted all correspondence from the enemy and read it before passing it on. But this letter was perfectly harmless and would doubtless relieve her mind greatly. They would send it on to her.

Mrs. Lynn waited anxiously for the letter to arrive from Washington. It came three days later. It was written on a thin, light blue paper. The letter didn’t contain much hard information. Robert merely reported that his ship had been sunk and he had been captured and taken to Japan. He was now in a Japanese prison camp. He said that though he missed his family greatly and wanted more than anything else to be home, his captors were treating him quite well.

Mrs. Lynn was almost hysterical with relief. She read the letter over and over again. then she looked at the envelope. It had a Japanese stamp. A Japanese wartime stamp would be quite rare in the United States, she reasoned. And her nephew collected stamps. He would be thrilled to add this to his collection.

So Mrs. Lynn steamed the stamp off the envelope. And there, in tiny printing where the stamp had been, was this message: They’ve cut off my tongue.

[Cohen, 1993]

CULPRIT IN THE BALL PIT!

About a week or so ago, a mother took her eager 3 year old son to Burger King for lunch.  After they ate their lunch, the mother said that the son could go and play on the playground for awhile since he ate all his lunch.

She watched as the boy played in the tunnels, slide and in the ball-pit. The boy played for about 10 minutes when he started to whimper slightly.

The mother asked the boy what had happened and he mearly replied, “Hurt mommy.” The mother assumed that the little boy had banged his elbow or something while playing.

They left to return home. A half and hour after they were home, the mother noticed some big red welts on the little boys arms and legs. Not being able to figure out what they were, the mother started to look at them closer. Could be red ant bites . . . she did not know.

An hour later, the little boy died. Come to find out, when returning to Burger King to see if there were red ants in the play area, in case the little boy had an allergic reaction. Burger King employees and herself discovered that there was a family of baby rattlesnakes living underneath the balls in the ball-pit area. She has since found out that this happens more frequently than not. The snakes will crawl into the ball pit because it is dark and warm in there. She knows for a fact that another death has occurred because of this in South Carolina. Please use caution when letting any children play in an outside play area of a fast food resturant, this could happen anywhere. Burger Kings are now building their play area’s inside the buildings for more safe environment.